Celibate and Sane: The Rules of Retail ©

February 26, 2010

The Rules of Retail ©

Have you ever been shopping with someone who insists you help them decide if the clothes they are buying for their husband are the right size? How awkward is that? Apart from the fact that I don't check out my girlfriends' husbands and the size of their biceps or butts, I haven't had to buy clothes for a man for over 20 years.

Shouldn't there be a rule about this one? If you have a friend or relative who hasn't had a serious boyfriend in over a decade, please don't ask them to help you size your husband's clothes...there! That sounds like a pretty good rule.

Ok then, if we're going to start a list of retail rules, what should number two be when it comes to shopping? How about ...

2. Ensure you leave ample time to go shopping ... 4-5 hours at a minimum.

3. Do not ask your female friend/relative to check if your new underwear looks good on you - especially if you are slimmer than they are.

4. If you've been told you look like a giant bruise when you wear purple, don't continue picking up purple outfits in the vain hope that your female friend/relative will suddenly change their mind and tell you the colour looks fabulous on you. Hey, I look like I'm growing mould when I wear pastel green or yellowy browns. Just get over it.

5. At the last moment, just as you are making your way through the checkouts, do not dash back and grab that outfit that you saw in the first five minutes and swore was too expensive/ short/ young or odd. Unless of course you are an Olympic sprinter and you can make it back in 15.6 seconds. (Sounds like a good time limit to me!)

So that leads us straight onto rule numbers 6, 7, 8 and so on. Do you have any suggestions?

How about what not to bring along? Husbands? Great Aunt Gertie who thinks shopping centres are places of evil. Or your pet aardvark?

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Personal Quotes from Vicki-S

"Occasionally I find my breakfast a little bitter, and sometimes it's difficult to chew and swallow; though at other times it's sweet, but it’s very satisfying and always sustains me. My most important meal of the day, is feasting on God’s Word and drinking up His presence."

I love me, because God loves me. It's not that God doesn't see my flaws, they are like blazing torches in His eyes, but rather that He sees past my imperfections and still loves me. And who am I to argue with the perfect God that I am worthwhile, that I am worthy of love, and that He accepts me and wants me to be His child, His beloved daughter? When I understood this, I began to accept and embrace His version and His vision of me, and not the world's.

"The silent treatment and sulking are simply two other weapons in the arsenal of the manipulator."

"Often people use the metaphor of a butterfly emerging from its cocoon to describe how we can grow from difficult experiences, but what they don't mention is the fact that at first we start off as an ugly caterpillar."

"We so often just get caught up in trying to just get through each day, that we forget to pause and be thankful for the fresh one that is presented anew and untouched each morning."

"Contrary to what we might think, forgiveness isn't so much about healing our relationship with that other person, but about healing our own broken heart."

"The purpose of school reunions is to show off how much you've achieved in life, to laugh at the once popular kids who've aged more quickly than you; and to wince at the guy who was a bully in school and who aptly became a policeman."

"I've found in many organisations where volunteers are needed, including the modern-day church, that 80% of its people sit back and let everyone else do most of the work, then there's the 10% who actually make the place run, and the remaining 10% just like to whinge about the 10% doing the work, especially about how they could do it better."

"When traced back to its source, every sin, every despicable act, and every war was motivated by someone's selfishness."

"I do not want to think of man, for that would distract me from God. But if I focus on God, I cannot help but think of my fellow man, and each day God keeps the scales balanced so that I have enough within me to do both."

"Overcoming depression isn’t about changing ones attitude, or just ‘getting on’ with things, it’s like removing one’s personal black shroud one thread at a time, with ones teeth.”