February 16, 2010

Unclean! Unclean! ©

I was left feeling rather like Typhoid Mary one winter when the staff at my doctor’s surgery insisted that I wear a mask and seat myself in a separate area from the rest of the patients, as I had the flu. I certainly felt very special, I can tell you. It didn’t really help when one of the GPs came out of the room, took one look at me and burst into laughter.

My quick-witted and well-thought out response was something like, “Er, thanks very much,” which behind the mask sounded more like ,”Ugh! Fung erryugh,” and then my glasses steamed up as my warm breath escaped through the top of the mask.

The staff, smiling at the GPs laughter, didn’t exactly help my discomfort either. If I’d have thought of it at the time, I could have shut them up simply by ripping off my mask and coughing heavily in their direction.

Honestly, I think this medical office should win an award along the lines of “How to make your already sick patient feel even worse, in one easy step.”

When I finally made it into the GP’s office, I took off the mask and he almost scrambled over his desk in a desperate effort to get as far away from me as possible. When he realised that I stood between him and the door, he reluctantly sat down wearing a haunted and trapped expression on his face. If it hadn’t been so ridiculous, it would have been hysterical.

Eventually he relaxed after he realised that he had only two choices: either inhale the same air I was breathing out, or wear a protective mask himself. I’m sure it was his masculine pride that won out as he undertook the examination, with an almost martyred look on his uncovered face. Poor diddums!

After I saw the doctor, who confirmed it wasn’t swine flu, I then proceeded to share my germs with the staff at the chemist, then in the supermarket checkout, and finally the local bakery. One staff member stepped backwards in horror as I croaked my request to her. I’ll bet she ran outside to disinfect her hands after I gave her my money, the scaredy cat.

That kind of got me thinking, so after I returned home, I decided to attempt to infect my cat with my flu. At least my cat doesn’t recoil in fear when I breathe on him. I then waited in anticipation for the development of a strain of cat flu which would develop into a new pandemic to sweep the world. Will the new flu result in people wanting to chase toy mice and use a kitty litter tray? Whatever the result, I’m sure they’d be feline good. ©

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