January 8, 2011

The Hell That is Salt and Pepper Shakers

I've done lots of research over the years, especially when searching for an item to purchase on-line. One of the consistent things that I have discovered is the hell that is salt and pepper shakers.

Salt and pepper shakers would have to among the ugliest and even creepiest things on this planet. I can back up my statement by challenging you to jump onto an online auction websites and look for yourself.

I do caution you though, that you may never be the same again! 

It is a brave (or foolish) explorer that seeks to find the truth. Should you suffer a break-down I cannot be held responsible.

What I find disturbing is that there are people in the world selling these hideous things, but what is even more frightening is the fact there are people actually buying them! Has research ever been done into whether this collecting and selling of salt and pepper shakers is a legitimate mental illness?
The most common type of salt and pepper shakers are the cutesy-pie ones that make you want to throw up. They are often shaped into little boys and girls,or  revoltingly cute little puppies and kittens, angels and even monks.

Another freakish little trend is how many of the salt and pepper shakers are rotund even obese little figures, and when you combine that with cutesy, it's quite sickening.

A further tendency is the requirement to make the salt and pepper shakers kiss. Now combine that with cutesy and obese and there you have an almost deadly combination, often enough to make you want to scream with the pain of it.

A peppery Sydney
Opera House
Salt and pepper shakers come in a variety of shapes. In fact, nothing is sacred.  Ranging from combi-vans to cabbages, the Sydney Opera House to the Eiffel Tower, from owls to pirate skulls, and poodles to ukeleles, the descriptions listed often do not prepare you for the horror of what awaits you.

Before you commence, be aware of what the following descriptions really mean:
  • kitsch is really another phrase for nauseating;
  • cute means revoltingly sweet (grab a bucket);
  • gorgeous means peculiar;
  • vintage means old and ugly;
  • retro means slightly old and ugly;
  • rare means nobody wants them;
  • collectible means there are millions of them;
  • lovely means pathetic; and
  • novelty means painful to one's brain 
There are bizarre items as well including things that look like mutant or alien amphibians of a type never before seen on earth. Additionally you may be fortunate enough to spot some of the more rare and weird combinations of salt and pepper shakers such as Dookie the cow who's riding a donkey!

My own family members have suggested that I start collecting things to make it easier for them to buy me a gift in the future. I have forbidden them from purchasing me salt and pepper shakers. I can imagine that in my future old age as a spinster, I will end up with a collection of cats. Cat salt and pepper shakers that is.  

To my family, I beg you, for the sake of my sanity.... DON'T!

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