August 17, 2010

The First Part of My New Story - Your Input Please ©

I've just started a new story and would value your feedback on whether you think it grabs your attention and makes you want to read more, or if you think it could be improved in any way:

“I’m dating a vampire” Hannah said as she sat across from her mother.
“That’s nice dear,” her mother replied, glancing only at the contents of the table. “Would you like another scone?”
“Did you hear what I said?” Hannah asked. Usually she loved this little room in her mother’s house because the light of the afternoon sun was filtered by the large jacarandah tree outside the window. Today the light seemed too garish.
“You said something about a vampire,” Alma answered casually. “Now where did I put that cumquat jam?”
“I’m serious Mum,” Hanna said, an irritated edge creeping in to her voice.
At this point Alma turned and fixed her daughter with a disbelieving stare and said, “When you were 32 you told me you’d given up on men. You told me to stop asking you about if you were seeing anyone. You then spent the last twenty years complaining about the lack of decent men in the world, and now you’re telling me you’re dating a vampire. What kind of response did you expect from me? Yippee! My daughter is dating a blood-sucking fiend!”
Hannah chuckled. It softened the appearance of her usually composed features.
It was at that moment that Alma noticed the subtle change in her daughter. It was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.
“I know it sounds crazy,” Hannah continued, her mouth curved in a smile. “But John is from a long line of vampires.”
For the first time in over four decades, Alma mildly alarmed for her daughter’s safety though she wondered whether she should be more concerned for her sanity.

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