September 19, 2010

Embarrassing Experiences as a Single Woman

There should be a scale by which embarrassing moments are measured. Frankly I think there should be an appropriately book titled "Scales by which to measure everything." Without such a treasure trove, I shall make my own measurement scale as follows:
Embarrassment Scale

As I commenced writing this entry, I was reminded of the sheer quantity of errors and humiliating moments that I've had in my life, so decided to reduce these to simply those embarrassing experiences I have experienced as a single woman.

Mmmm, the next question is, are there some experiences that I should keep to myself to spare you the trauma? Actually I'm not really that concerned about the impact on you the reader, unless of course you turn up at my front door with a loaded machine gun, a crazed look in your eye as you repeat the phrase "You should not have told me - now I can't get that image out of my head."

When it comes to dating, I'm pretty clueless. This was especially true when I was young and extremely naive. In a couple of cases I found out much later that a particular guy liked me when I thought he was hanging around with me and my friends just because he liked being there. My friends all seemed to know that he liked me but didn't think to tell me. I went on with my life, completely ignorant of the guy's interest. 

I was so scared of men and relationships that if the man in question had expressed his feelings to me, I probably would have run screaming in the opposite direction anyway.

On the other hand, I can't tell you the number of times I've been interested in a guy who has definitely not been interested in me. I even had one guy almost curl his lip in disgust at me. I can tell you - that's not a good experience for one's ego.

There is a part of me that's naturally drawn to bad boys. This is probably due to my personality type which likes to help people to grow into more balanced and happy individuals. If I had ever been stupid enough to start a relationship with a bad boy, it would have resulted in disaster, because while a bad boy would in most cases like to be a better boy, when it comes to the crunch, most bad boys simply don't want to make the effort to change.

In an earlier blog entry or two I've mentioned that others have tried to match-make me over the years. This has never been successful because most people choose someone utterly inappropriate for me.

On occasion I've seen married women grab their husband in a death-like grip as I've approached them. I can only assume that there is something in my face that says to the wife "I'm so desperate for a man, I'll even take your husband, as pathetic as he is."

Now that I'm in my 40s, the whole dating thing seems to have become even more ridiculous. Most men I meet seem to have a concept in their minds that a woman can only ever be your girlfriend, or nothing. The idea that a woman can be a friend does not seem to register with them. Because of this, in most cases I have two completely opposite reactions from men. As a very friendly kind of person, some men assume that since I am:
  1. not ignoring them;
  2. not giving them the "Get the hell away from me" look;
  3. not whacking them about the head with my handbag;
  4. am speaking to them in a civilised tone; and
  5. am smiling or laughing  
I must therefore be madly in love with them.

So after that I've had to extricate myself from a non-existent relationship with a man with whom I never had any interest in the first place.

The opposite reaction has been a most interesting recent development - one of which I am quite proud:
I can now make men run away from me!
I was with a large group of people on a holiday a few years ago and I spotted one guy sitting on his own. Along with everyone else at camp, I had been friendly with this fellow whenever I had seen him. I gave him no more attention than anyone else. Thinking he might be feeling a bit lonely on his own, I sat down next to him and spoke a friendly greeting.
He got up from his chair and walked quickly away from me!
Obviously because I was being friendly with him, I was madly in love with him. 

It was such a ridiculous reaction that I sat there and laughed out loud. 

Many years ago I met a fellow that I thought was one of the biggest idiots I had ever met. He was always acting stupid and didn't seem particular bright. How bright am I? I almost married him.

Some time ago I thought I was making progress in my approach to men. I'd been out with a girlfriend to a karaoke place when a younger man began talking to us. Soon he began focussing his attention on me. 

"Wow!" I thought to myself, "This is a nice change!"

Before long I discovered that the younger man was not interested in me as potential girlfriend material - he simply saw me as a mother-figure with whom he could share all of his problems.

Result? Deflated ego. 

One of the last experiences which has put me off men altogether occurred a couple of years ago. I'm not saying that it's the fault of men, I'm simply saying that I do not have any success so why bother even trying anymore.

I was quite conscious that I was not looking my best that weekend. I had a  hideous cold-sore on my top lip so didn't even think about even really looking at the guys. As it happened, a nice guy turned up and a group of us were seated around a table chatting.

At one point I was speaking and the guy was looking directly at me. It was at that moment that the scab fell off my cold-sore and landed onto my bottom lip. 

It sat there on my bottom lip looking like a mutant cornflake. Nonchalantly I reached up and grabbed it from my lip and tried to pretend nothing awkward and weird had just happened.

I don't think I fooled anyone. I think they were all sitting there thinking just one thing "Eeeyoooo!"
Coldsore = 1              Potential boyfriend = 0

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