The Utensils you Need to be a Good Cook

After I sat down at a nearby medical centre, I glanced through a home and gardening magazine, dated unsurprisingly from fifteen years earlier. Being the culinary whiz that I am, I couldn't help but be intrigued by the article entitled 'The utensils you need to be a good cook.'

"Wow!" I thought, "So that's all it takes – just the right tools", and read on in breathless anticipation.

The list was quite daunting, totalling a mind-boggling 45 so-called essential items one needed in the kitchen. It included basics like:

1. pots and pans (Well duh, even I could figure that one out);
2. kitchen tongs (As opposed to toilet or bedroom tongs?);
3. ladle (Don't have one of those, but I do have a large soup spoon); and
4. can opener (Doesn't everyone open up cans using their teeth?)

Then there were some items which had me a little puzzled:

• egg slice (Isn't that what's known as a knife?);
• carving fork (How can a fork carve?);
• good knives (How do you tell a good knife from a bad one? Are the bad knives the disobedient ones that go out and party all night, and are dull and useless when you want to use them?)
• food processor (I thought that a food processor was my mouth and my stomach);
• kitchen scales (No way! I refuse to put a set in the bathroom, so I'm not likely to have any in the kitchen for added torture);
• balloon whisk (Why would I need to whisk balloons into my cooking?);
• colander (Don't need one because I carry a diary with me);
• steaming basket (Of what?); and
• box grater (I've eaten food that tastes like cardboard before, but I'm not going to grate it into my food.)